Not Resolutions, Boundaries

The Value of Boundaries

It has taken me a very long time to understand the value of boundaries. I thought that I had to please people for them to want to stay in my life. I have learned, however, that you can do everything you can and still have people walk out on you (or fire you). So now I know that I have to take care of myself and my peace first, like putting on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else on an airplane. Also, having clear boundaries protects me from myself, and protects other people from my alter ego that can be a bit much. So here are the boundaries I will be working on for 2024. 

Boundary 1: Protecting My Sleep

One of my favorite memes on the internet comes from X (formerly Twitter) and talks about Elijah the prophet: 

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible, Elijah was like, ‘God, I’m so mad! I want to die!’ so God said, ‘Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?’ So, Elijah slept, ate & decided things weren’t so bad.  Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap and a snack. " @joynessthebrave (Joy Clarkson)

I understand this at a fundamental level. When I don't get enough sleep, I am a horrible person to be around. It doesn't matter if I am at home with my family, or at work, I am just grumpy. Many is the time I have been called out for being "unprofessional" in my communications, written and verbal, with fellow employees, customers, or vendors. This is why my first boundary is making sure I get my sleep. I am fortunate to know, after much trial and error, that I need exactly 7 hours of sleep each night. I accomplish this by going to bed at 9:30 pm and getting up at 4:30 am. Therefore, everyone will know in the coming year, that if you need me for something between the hours of 9:30 pm and 4:30 am... No, you don't. 

Boundary 2: Protecting my Strength and Wellness

Another thing I worked very hard on in 2023 was getting into better shape, both mentally and physically. I spent a lot of time in the gym while I was unemployed and continue to spend around 2 hours in the gym each day, with the exception of Sundays. Because of this I am able to maintain not only my weight, but I also have a healthy outlet for stresses in my life and work. There are times now when I will go for a six or seven mile walk instead of eating an entire bag of Doritos. I used to use food as a coping tool, and now I use exercise to reduce my stress. 

One of the best things to come out of the last year was being able to turn off a lot of the stress and food noise in my brain by walking or going to the gym. I will protect that time that I have set aside for these activities as well. As I mentioned, I go to the gym at 4:30 am and leave by 6:30 am, so if you need me between those hours... No, you don't. 

Boundary 3: Protecting My Family Time

One of the benefits of working in a hybrid environment is that I can dedicate some extra time to my work that I would normally spend in the commute; It is time that is no longer wasted. The downside of working hybrid is that time goes away when I have to spend two hours a day driving to the office for work. It has taken a lot of effort of will for me to stop working when I leave the office, but I need the time after a long and stressful day, and a long and stressful drive, to decompress and spend time with my wife and one remaining child that lives at home. 

Even when I use the time on the drive wisely, like listening to podcasts or books, I am still in the thick of traffic, no matter what time I leave the office. It is a stressful endeavor, and in order to not turn into an ogre, I need the time to relax and help out around the house, so my wife doesn't turn into an ogre. You can have the extra time when I am able to work from home, but if you want something on those days when I have to drive in... No, you don't.

Boundary 4: Protecting My Waistline

This is a boundary that I am setting to protect myself from... myself. I have a long history of using food, especially sweets and chips, as a coping mechanism for a litany of stressors and problems. There were times where I would sit down and eat several candy bars, or a whole bag of chips, not because I was hungry, but because I was upset or stressed. This led me to not only being 310 pounds (136 kg), but also to having all kinds of digestive and stomach problems. There were nights I would wake up not able to breathe because I had aspirated in stomach acid from my acid reflux. I ate tums like they were candy, and then had to turn to other medications to keep my stomach acid from killing me. 

Since I have lost the weight, and changed the relationship I have with food, I can sleep through the night without fear of nearly suffocating. I now eat a lot of yogurt and kefir to better regulate my stomach biome. I feel so much better, and although I still eat snacks, I treat them like a recreational drug, only on the weekend, and always in moderation (well, except at Christmas and New Years). If I think I need some snacks, sugary treats, or chips to make me feel better... No, I don't. 

Boundary 5: Protecting My Effort

I wanted to add this one because I have a tendency to go all in when it comes to things like friendship. I have found as well that I will often go out of my way to keep people in my life when, maybe, they don't really want to be in my life at all. I end up being the one that puts in all of the effort, sending the texts, making the calle, or arranging the lunches. There are people that only seem to want to talk to me when they need something from me. This boundary is to make sure that I am not the only one that is putting effort into our relationship.

I will say here that this boundary is going to be difficult, because it is going to be very painful at times. There are people that I would love to have in my life because I genuinely enjoy their company, but that put in no effort at all. These are the people that are right there when they have a computer problem, of need some advice on creating a website, but that can't be bothered to respond to a simple text to say hello back. So, starting in 2024, if the only time I hear from you is when you want something from me, or if you think you get to just show up and want something from me... No, you don't.

Boundary 6: Protecting My Skills

If there is one thing that is consistent in this world, it would have to be distractions. There always seems to be something pinging, chiming, or vibrating to let us know that someone has done or said something that we should care about for some reason. It could be an email, a tweet, or a text message. We live in a world of distractions, and most of them are like a baby with a dirty diaper; very loud and stinky. 

Because of these distractions I often find it difficult to focus on learning new skills or practicing existing skills (like writing on my blog?). Protective boundaries aren't just for people, they are also for things. In the coming year I am going to make use of the "Do not disturb" feature on my phone to stop it from pinging me every time someone posts a reply to one of my #ChairThree videos on Instagram, or one of my favorite creators posts a new video on YouTube (looking at you Simon Sinek) while I am honing my development or management skills. If you happen to need me while I have DnD on... No, you don't.

Boundary 7: Protecting My Mind

One thing I learned in the past year is that we all need a couple of things to be at peace. We need moderation and we need grace. With those two things we are all happier, and able to find what we really need to be at peace. I used to feel bad when I spent my time gaming or reading fiction. Over-critical me would chastise me for not reading the latest management book by Simon Sinek (who is amazing!) or working on one of the many Udemy courses I have purchased but not completed. 

I have come to recognize that I need these "immature" distractions as what I like to call a mental cleanser. For example, over the past holiday I re-read the Dark is Rising Series by Susan Cooper. It is a fantasy series about the ongoing battle between the light and the dark. I first read it when I was in grade school, and I think I have read it again almost every year since. It is refreshing to remember a time when I believed in things like magic and wonder, and I really needed a reminder after this past year that those things are real. I will always love reading things that make me better than I was, but it is also good to remember when I had a little more wonder and a little less cynicism. So, if you or I want me to only work on improvement and forget about the past... no, we don't.